Všechno

Courses have started. This semester I don't want to do stupid things like in the last one, when I put off so many duties and ignored the deadlines- sometimes my head was just in the clouds, sometimes I deliberately did it. I want to be more responsible, starting from Czech language courses. I also want to make new friends, but it's so hard! People mind their own business, especially Americans. I mean, they do talk, but not with me. And I am a bit afraid about what they'll think of me after today, when I intervened a lot in class, but honestly I don't really care (am I doing like Josef K.? Oh, no!), because to be prepared in class is the most satisfying thing for me. It might be cheesy, but if I respect the professor and I look up to him, if I say something instead of watching the pavement, too afraid to speak a word and be judged, is both a personal achievement and a feeling of satisfying somebody that I admire, or at least show him that I care. Because sometimes it's so difficult for me to show myself, I think that people who meet me don't get me immediately, don't get me at all- yes, they might think I'm not the most extrovert person, which in fact I am not, but they might think I am arrogant or uninteresting. I will not shout my interests in your face as soon as we meet. I will just not shout, in general. That's why I appreciate it so much when I feel at ease with people, like the Italians- some were way louder than me, but they never, never made me feel like I should be in another way, like I should be different, and I did the same. When you grow up you can say "no" more often, I believe: most of the time, particularly if you are a student, you can decide not to see a particular person, not to deepen your knowledge of him/her because you don't like him/her, or you just don't bond. We are not obliged to bond!!! I will never be the easy-going girl. I often dreamt I was, I often told myself: "You can start from scratch and be that girl", but no, I simply can't. I can smile more, I can go talk to people, but I will never be that kind of person, but it's fine, because people are different. But sometimes people behave in a way that I don't get, trying to change others or not respecting them, like the girls last night- come on, I respected that they were noisy and loud, that they were outgoing and spoke openly, I didn't think bad of them but on the contrary, I tried to interact with them. And although they spoke so well of me, I was bothered by their efforts to make me do things I wouldn't do- come on, again: we're grown ups, don't impose yourself or your way of being on others. Sometimes I am just quiet. Sometimes I'm crazy, but that comes after, when you get to know me more. That's just how I am done. But I can't believe that with some people I've met here I feel at ease so much, because they act like me, they're just chill about how the others are. They're not shy, they're just themselves and let the others be themselves, too. I want to free myself of the feeling I have to please everybody, really. I don't want to. I don't want to smile if I don't feel like smiling, I don't want to dance if I feel like sitting and chatting. Similarly, I want to smile if it comes from the inside, and I want to dance if I feel like dancing, I don't want to limit myself because of other people's judgements- they are probably drunk anyway. ;)

Apart from that, life is quite good. I haven't met many people yet, but I try to be positive and hope to make new friends. I am quite cool with the people I know now, anyway. But I want to take advantage of this semester fully, because last one was so brief... It passed quickly, and then you're left with a bunch of memories and nothing will be the same and we all know it etc etc. I really enjoy the city, in a way I can't even describe; I've never felt like this, I was always nostalgic about the past or worried about the future. Now I try to focus on the present, on the beautiful cobblestoned streets, on the full but silent metro, on the spring that I hope will come soon- and how curious I am to see the city blossoming-, on Clément, on the friends who stayed and the ones who left, on Toru, on the million of people that surround me, on finding some kind of balance, especially. In a certain way I feel more balanced just being here, by myself. I miss my family, of course, but somehow I must admit I feel confused at home. My life turns into a mess, I lose all my certainties... I don't enjoy my time at home so much and I am sad about it, really sad. But all the angst of my childhood comes to surface, I end up being paranoid or sad, and I stress easily. Here, because it is a new place that I don't connect to bad memories, I feel as if I had in front of me a white canvas. Like on friday, when my worries cessed and I felt so good... Ready to start. I wish I had this feeling more often, but I know I have to make more effort, because I can't complain about being here: I am terribly priviliged, I feel grateful to study in such a glorious place. I feel a bit like in a limbo, that's true, but who doesn't at 23? I have met amazing people and, though I don't fully know them, probably, I know I can rely on them. Sometimes I should show more my feelings, also to myself- I was saddened by Clément's talk last friday. He told me that he feels distance sometimes between me and him, that I can be cold, basically, and that he need reassurement, some proves that I really do care, only not to end up asking himself if there is something wrong. I thought about it and it's true that by nature I am colder than other people, colder than him, who is often touching my arms, or kissing me. I don't like this that much in public and it will always be like that, but I do want to be less cold, to give some signs of my attachment, also when there is somebody else around. Sometimes it's not just coldness, it's lack of confidence, I think. Another thing that I hate is showing my flaws. It is indeed very stupid, but my spontaneous, first reaction is: why should I show you my weaknesses? He does it, quite openly. He complains about some things he does, or how he looks like (though not in a so serious way). I can't do that! I start thinking that, if I say something bad about my looks, for example, he will start noticing it, he will agree. I know it's a bit stupid, but I guess it's quite common for people who tend to be a bit afraid of relationships. At the same time, I am really, really glad I've met him, I enjoy a lot the time with him, he is a really special person. I am a bit worried that I will change my mind about it, that he will hurt me... Or that I will hurt him... I kinda want to preserve this thing between us in a bubble, though I know that months are passing, the relationship gets a bit more serious every week... And it will have to face reality. I can't keep it as a dream thing. I really want to tell it to my mother (though I guess she knows already) but I never find the chance. If only she just asked me "With whom did you go there, or do that?", it would be so easy. Ahh.
Anyway, Prague is just so full of inspiration. I really must start working seriously at my thesis. Which means, ehm, at least finding a topic. I thought of Kundera, it's true, but what? A comparison? Something about Prague, since I'm here... I feel like I should be an academic, I should spend my time researching, hey, I'm in my last year, this work will be worth 30 fucking credits, and still I have a black hole.

Contenti?

Mi dispiace di non essere abbastanza normale per la vostra vita normale. Mi dispiace che, all'alba dei ventitre anni e mezzo, io sia ancora così incompresa. Non ho intenzione di fare la vittima... Non mi aspetto una maggiore comprensione. Ma ora capisco che se prima non c'è stata alcuna reazione alla mia apparente "anormalità" era perchè si ignorava che esistesse (parzialmente, almeno). Ora invece, ora che sono a casa, che dovrei rilassarmi, sfogarmi se voglio, essere di cattivo umore se voglio, andare a letto tardi se voglio proprio perchè posso, perchè non ho tabelle e non è questo big deal... Diventa tutto un big deal. Divento una depressa che deprime gli altri. Divento subito inadatta. Inadeguata. Meglio quando sono lontana, allora, e mi pensate come una voce al telefono? Forse. Perchè parlarmi no, meglio criticarmi costantemente alle spalle. Io non mi ero posta il problema di essere all'altezza, perchè tornavo a casa ed era un momento un po' stressante e speravo di ricevere comprensione o, perlomeno, di potermene "stare in pace" per un po', prima di dover ripensare a tutte le cose quotidiane che, volente o  non volente, spetta affrontare (volente, volente... che stare a casa ad annoiarsi diventa pointless, ma stare a casa ad appesantirsi e ad appesantire diventa terrificante). E allora vabbè, okay il divario generazionale, non pretendo, ma suvvia, un po' di elasticità. E una domanda in pù, piuttosto che dare tutto per scontato. Sono stufa di sentirmi inadeguata, MI AVETE ROTTO I COGLIONI. Se la mia presenza vi sballa le giornate, mi spiace- in effetti stare alzati fino a tardi a leggere, scrivere e guardare film, consolare le sorelle al telefono, cucinare per la famiglia e fare cose noiose sono attività destabilizzanti. Magari domani mi buco.

Me ne sto a letto non realizzando bene quello che mi è stato detto oggi pomeriggio. Penso "devo vestirmi..." "devo lavarmi...", totalmente dimentica di quelle parole. Non è una grande sorpresa... Parole che già mi erano state rivolte ma in altri contesti, e le avevo subito etichettate come "lascia perdere". Ma quando sai che vengono pronunciate con serietà, o perlomeno non in stati di alterazione... Che fai? Liquidi tutto come differenza culturale? La vedi come una strategia per "mettere il proprio nome e cognome su una cosa"? Per ora, l'unica cosa fattibile sembra ignorare che sia mai avvenuto. Una, due, tre, quattro volte- il mio silenzio in risposta dice tutto. No strings attached è un'utopia?

When you feel lonely, or just MHM.

Little recipes to feel better (or, at least, not so shitty):

-write to a friend, or more- just connect;
-invite somebody at your place;
-have a warm bath or a shower, put on moisturizer and some make up, if you feel like;
-go out of the house;
-walk, look at the people, try to "inhale" the surroundings;
-wear something cozy;
-buy some good food or something you were craving;
-do something that makes you feel either productive, like studying or doing czech exercises (or work out!) or useful, like helping someone in need or giving advice to a confused friend;
-decorate your room;
-watch Downton Abbey;
-read one of those books which manage to take you with them in another dimension (I know, it's not so easy to find them, you have to work on that or be lucky or know your tastes very well- but sometimes you end up being suprised by something you thought you would never appreciate);
-listen to music, discover a new musician, learn some lyrics and sing along;
-write a pointless obvious post as a reminder from when you'll feel shitty again.

V Praze.

Here we are, v Praze, day... 24. Already? Is it possible? This city is magic, it's a tremendous source of amazement and ispiration, not to mention a hotbed of events, exhibitions, concerts, initiatives and encounters... So yes, of course time flies most of the time, čas utiká... I decided to open this blog not because I'm planning to write a meticulous reportage of my stay here, but to write down some impressions of mine that I don't want to lose... And I guess to have a retrospective for later, when this will be over- it feels like I've been here forever and now it represents the ordinary, the everyday life, but I know well it's just a temporary, deceptive feeling.
So what about this city and the people who inhabit it?
I love the women, here. Not only they are beautiful (their beautiful facial features! their delicate mouths and noses! their perfect complexion! their tidy hair! their elegant figures!), I feel like they keep their chin up. No matter what is happening or what is their mood, they look fierce, I feel like they want to look the best, not for the others, not to stand out but for them... They can do more with less. They don't need to overdress or to buy a ton of stuff they won't use. They use logic. But at the same time, it doesn't make them superficial- it is clear that they care about important stuff. But they don't neglect themselves either. And they fucking eat clean! They attach a lot of importance to organic food, they eat a lot of vegetables and fruit and they tend not to overeat. Like, okay, food is good but is not a priority.
And the people here READ. Yes, if you take the metro in Milan you'll also meet a bunch of people reading, but I swear it's not the same. Here they read even waiting for the metro... And you don't see a thousand people all looking at their navels, ops, smartphones. You mostly encounter people who use them to listen to music. People actually wait for the tram and look around, or think, or talk, or listen to music... They're not focused on their phones. Wow. And at the restaurant? I go mostly to vegetarian restaurant which work as canteens, and there are always many people having lunch alone. But they're not looking at their facebook while they eat, they don't speak at the phone (by the way, this is often forbidden). They just eat! And read, sometimes. Yes, because in a lot of places you'll find newspapers and magazines for everybody.
I feel like this place is still safe, not poisoned yet...